Expanding Understanding Of Non-Physical Abuse - Psychological Violence

Truth. Fact. Reality.

The Domestic Violence Act introduced a new criminal offence in Ireland in 2018 that specifically addresses coercive control as a form of psychological and emotional abuse.  This law identifies ‘psychological violence’ for the first time in the history of Irish law since the Domestic Violence Act was first introduced in 1981.

Psychological violence is a deadly form of domestic abuse and can present in many different, often subtle forms.  The impact on victims cannot be underestimated particularly where the abuse has occurred over a long period. It can have life altering effects and is detrimental to a victims mental, emotional and physical health and well-being.

Examples include a term which has become more familiar in recent years ‘gaslighting’ which is best described as making someone question their own thinking or understanding of reality. Other examples include shifting blame to the victim by presenting insults as a joke, criticism, humiliation or put downs, the silent treatment, controlling who someone can speak to, meet or spend time with and suggesting the victim is mentally unstable. 

Survivors of this form of abuse describe the effects as ‘constantly questioning or second guessing’ themselves, ‘not trusting their gut’ because they’ve been conditioned, due to the abuse, to not trust their own instincts or opinions and ‘not knowing what the truth, the facts or reality are anymore’.

‘Statistics show that 88% of practitioners agreed that psychological violence can be as, or more, harmful than physical violence’. (www.safelives.org.uk)

Another familiar term also known as ‘love bombing’ has gotten more notoriety in recent times. Love bombing examples include excessive displays of affection, intense praise, and rapid relationship acceleration designed to manipulate such as premature ‘soulmate’ declarations, excessive gifts, and demanding constant communication. It is a tactic of emotional abuse to create dependency and control, often involving isolation from friends and family. (www.bannerhealth.com) 

The most accurate physical depiction and roleplay of gaslighting and love bombing was seen online where the abuser and the victim are standing opposite one another face to face. The abuser grabs the victim by the shoulders and violently and excessively shakes the victim with physical force then abruptly stops the shaking and grabs the victim and pulls them physically closer and intimately and forcefully kisses the victim, then again abruptly stops, then proceeds to shake the victim again and this happens repeatedly. It’s this very push and pull dynamic that has detrimental affects on all parts of a person’s life. So as you can imagine the physical strain on the victim in this scenario is a parallel to the mental, emotional and psychological trauma of gaslighting and love bombing.

These forms of psychological abuse fall under the umbrella of narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse is a form of coercive control, characterized by manipulation and lack of empathy. It is often invisible, creating a cycle of idealization, devaluation and discarding that leaves victims confused, isolated and suffering trauma. (www.bps.org.uk)

Victims describe this level of psychological abuse as ‘walking on eggshells’ and compared it to ‘trying not to disturb a hornet’s nest’ particularly when still living with the abuser where to adapt the victim uses coping mechanisms such as being extremely cautious about their words and actions around the abuser. Similarly advice on the nature of a hornets nest is to keep a distance, leave it alone, avoid sudden movements as these can trigger an attack. Victims learn to live in fear and anxiety of the unpredictable and unhinged nature of the abuser who can strike at any moment.

As physical abuse is assault of the physical body so is psychological abuse assault of the mind. This abuse is prevalent and can be hidden in plainsight. The aftermath leaves victims with wounds that are unseen and the scars run deep, making recovery from narcisstic abuse a long term journey of reclaiming your identity, self-worth and autonomy from psychological trauma.  

There are cases of psychological violence in front of us, around us more than we might realise whether that be in our workplace, our families and maybe even our own relationships. To the untrained eye abuse can go undetected and can remain under the radar where it thrives. The question is can we identify this form of abuse or have we become complacent and complicit? If we identify abuse is occurring in our everyday settings, are we able to respond, do we know what to say and can we help someone to stay safe?

There’s a great need for conversations within the family unit from parents to their children as early as pre adolescence about what healthy relationship interactions are and the abusive cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns. Sometimes a healthy dynamic is modelled through the parents to the children and sometimes children are dangerously exposed to and conditioned by toxic cycles of domestic abuse in the home. Generational trauma can have lasting affects within families and can play a significant harmful role in largely contributing to abusive behavioural patterns and cycles that are often accepted as normal.

‘62% of children exposed to domestic abuse in the home are also directly harmed’.

At a more local level in line with education is the idea of adolescence being taught about toxic relationships in secondary school as part of sex education or a similar curriculum. Surely this goes hand in hand when talking about intimate relationships and the many dynamics that are involved at this tender and vulnerable age of puberty and beyond.

‘1 in 4 people aged 16 and over…are estimated to have experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16 years old’ and 22.5% of people experienced abuse by a partner since the age of 16’. 

In this country the lack of education and training around current domestic abuse laws is disconcerting among professions that are called to protect and serve vulnerable women. Furthermore, how do such professionals carry out their duties if the judicial system is gravely flawed and creates loopholes for abusers to further abuse their victims through such systems.

The collaboration of services working towards the same goal and the multidisciplinary approach is unbalanced and disproportionate, often tipping the scales in the favour of the abuser and forcing the victim to repeat their story. This unnecessarily serves to re traumatize the victims and repeats the pattern of post traumatic stress and triggers.

Women and children need to be saved from further harm, not be at the mercy of a dysfunctional system. The judicial system in Ireland needs an overhaul of domestic violence cases. There are victims having gone through the Irish judicial system being refused safety orders because they have been intimate with their abusive partners which is setting a false narrative and uneducated standard that intimate relations are not a feature of an abusive relationship.

The court system is failing to identify the complex patterns of coercive control such as manipulation, fear and dependency in such cases. It is outcomes such as these that serve as a stark reminder that the judicial system needs a clarion call in decision making and action.

‘64% of young people agree that a victim blaming culture or stigma are the biggest barrier for victims seeking help and support. (Women’s Aid Ireland)

How many cases does it take, how many victims need to be severely, repeatedly and unnecessarily impacted before laws and legislation in this country comprehensively addresses the grave flaws in the system and fully protects the victims with a zero-tolerance approach.

Advocacy for justice and protection is crucial for women experiencing domestic abuse. The emphasis should be on empowering such women toward autonomy.

We are the forerunners for future generations in addressing this issue on national, local and familial levels.    

The question for many victims given the state of affairs in this country when it comes to domestic abuse is shifting from ‘Will I be believed’ to ‘Will I be protected’.

References:

Ons.gov.uk (statistics)

Safelives.org.uk (statistics)